DAFFODIL

There is a side of me you never see
It loves things like daffodils and holding hands
every once in awhile it tries to be heard
welling up from where I keep it hidden
it wants to say things that men aren’t supposed to admit
it wants to speak the words I cannot say
it dances around the apartment when It knows you’re
about to call
it wants me to say
things like “I’m lonely. I’m scared when you’re not around”
it tries to creep out of my mouth through tender words
words like darling, and I need you.
But I’m way to old for that

I say “get back in there and pipe down. Stay inside where you belong “
“don’t go messin with the program. “
I remind it that we made a deal when we were young
A sort of contract
I would keep throwing my body into the world
I wouldn’t care how many bones I would break, how many times I got beat down
And it would stay inside and not come out till I said the coast was clear
It wants me to show my heart to the world
Like it’s a prize.
But I’m too smart for that

I tell it to be quiet. I say “If I do things like that the neighbors will know you’re in there.
They’ll send get well cards, give me flowers and bake casseroles”
But it never stops. It just keeps talking. Telling me the things I should be doing
To keep you
Every once in awhile I’ll sit and listen
I’ll make us coffee and invite it to sit outside on the balcony and smoke cigarettes
I say “alright, you speak. I’ll just listen, but don’t get any notions about me. I’m sexist and I like my women dirty.”
It starts talking, and it wont let up. It tells me to soften, to look at you with understanding.
It tells me to do things I know will get my heart broken.
So I sip my coffee loudly. I take giant puffs off my camel and distract
it with pretending I’m interested.
Then I wrestle it back inside me. I say “enough of the funny stuff. You wouldn’t
Survive one day with out me living like that”
“I’ve got cars to drive, and lunches to buy. I don’t have time for this mallarky.”
.
.
.

But
Sometimes when you are near
I let it speak.
I let it tell you the words I’m not brave enough to say
You would never know because it sounds like me
it says things like, “I have always wanted a love like this”
it says “I don’t know how to do this, but I want to try”
Then it makes me hold your face
it is the part of me that is fearless
the part that never gives up.
it makes my heart ache from the beauty of my surrender
so
I keep throwing my body into the world and
I hope
That it throws my dancing daffodil heart along with it.


michaelxavier